A Post-Dramatic Approach to Breast Cancer
by a Recovering Drama Queen
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Homebody
Even without the restraints of a weakened immune system, sometimes it is difficult for me to get myself out the door. As much as I love being in nature, being out in public is a challenge and always has been. I figure there is a ring of Hell where demons are shouting at introverts to…
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And I’m Feeling Good
Maybe my happiest song in the playlist. There’s a tension in the music, in the lyrics, that rings true to me. It’s a complex kind of joy. For all the “light” things Nina Simone mentions, there is still – literally – gravity. Birds flying, blossoms on the trees. There is a recognition in the temporal…
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If Wishes Were Horses
I am walking around the house as though everything were made of glass, myself included. There is a dull ache in my head that is very like a hangover. Probably from all the vomiting last night. Leonard is keeping his distance. I think I smell like poison. My bathroom is spotless, but the dishes are…
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Petulant
When the nurse opened the IV and the strawberry kool-aid colored chemicals started dripping toward the open vein in my arm, she said, A lot of women don’t like to look. And it is okay to cry. But I have this ability to disassociate entirely. Not an ability, actually. A counterproductive coping mechanism I developed…
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Look at My Dress
I was listening to the Just One Thing Podcast and their little take on Pennebaker and expressive writing. And I am still skeptical to some of the conclusions researchers have drawn about the process of writing vs the process of writing and having someone read what is written (communicating not just expressing). On the matter…
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Appreciating the Sad Days
I have an app that I use to monitor my moods. It lets me create my own categories – so I can record points on the hyper-spectrum from lethargic to hypomanic, and I have a different label for the great days, the good days, the “meh” days, the depressed days, and the days where my…
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How to Metaphor
I once heard a scientist explain that cancer is a verb. Cancer is something that our bodies are continuously doing, and – when things go well – it is something the body is continually shutting down. It is our body making mistakes. It’s not a foreign invader. I knew before I was diagnosed that the…
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Pity Party
I keep finding myself planning one. I keep finding myself feeling hurt by the radio silence from people I have shared an office/workplace with for years, from family members. I don’t know what I want from anyone, really. But “social niceties” are just that: nice. Then I look at Leonard and remember it does a…
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Very Like a Diary
I’ve had 4 consultations, 3 mammograms, 2 MRIs, 1 PET, 1 CT and a total of 7 tissue samples taken over the past 13 days. Yesterday they also inserted 4 bits of metal into my breasts as markers to track the tumors through chemotherapy. On the table I started to cry, then felt guilty about…
Finding My Bearings Now 